we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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