I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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