So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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