I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
