i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
