Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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