if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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