Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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