I want to walk on stilts...naked
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Two words: nipple clamps
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