god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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