Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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