Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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