you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize