He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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