Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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