she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
as a side note pls kill me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
