I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
