There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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