I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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