Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm both gender and math confused
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
