I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
