i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
