I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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