im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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