Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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