Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
