Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
