If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
