I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He's on the porch naked. Help.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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