Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
