you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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