i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
