Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
