I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
