I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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