I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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