I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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