I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just forgot I was standing up.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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