what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
