My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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