One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
