Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
