last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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