cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
