i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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