I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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