She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
