at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
