I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize