The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
