I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
you never un-have a 4some
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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