I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
