So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
