Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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